You had to be there

We all have been duped in to going for that one crazy-ape-shit movie at least once in your life. Most of us have seen so many crappy movies that it is impossible to find out which one to put on the poop-pedestal of movie making. I watch more than my fair share of movies and logically end up watching enough bad movies to last most people a lifetime.

I have seen so many bad movies that I have had to develop multiple categories for bad movies. These categories  though have more to do with my situation than the movie, but you will see that as you go through the list-

1)      I was trapped – Assume that you are travelling by bus, which I was. Assume they have a TV with player, which they did. Now assume they have extremely loud speakers, which they always do have. I mean EXTREMELY LOUD!! You cannot run and you sure as hell cannot sleep.

Most notable in this category is Tere Naam. Not only was I forced to watch it 3 times on 3 different journeys, on one unfortunate trip from Mysore to Bangalore I had to watch the Kannada version – Huchcha as well.

2)      I trapped others – Well, you know I am an engineer. Once in a hostel TV-room of LD College of Engineering (not my college btw!) I along with a good friend forced a group of 20 people to sit through a screening of “Dhai Akshar Prem Ke”. I strongly believe this movie has potential to be screened in torture chambers. Just don’t let your local Human Rights Activists know.

3)      Stepped in cow dung –You are an Indian. You know it is impossible to walk on the roads without stepping in to cow dung once in a while. It feels warm at first but once you realize what it is, you are only disgusted by it. This is where almost all movies from Karan Johan and his ilk fall in.

You really want to have some fun. You think you should go watch the latest movie. You haven’t seen the promos. But you decide to go all the same.

As an engineering student in Gujarat with nothing better to do on a Christmas eve, I went along with long-time partner-in-crime Parashar Kacha to watch Raju Chacha! (Did all of that just rhyme somehow? Run, it’s rhymosaurus*, run for your lives!) Ajay Devgan and Kajol butchering the art of movie making in tandem. What a couple, what a couple!! I believe they deserve each other.

4)      Movie that is so bad, it is good – This place of honor is reserved for movies like “Gunda”. Scratch that. There’re no movies like “Gunda”. There’s only “Gunda” (Jaime Lannister, that’s a hat-tip) and then there’re others. These movies if watched alone are likely to cause multiple headaches (depending on the number of heads you have). Never watch these with families. Nor with that morose friend who questions logic of every joke you tell him. Watch these movies with people you went to college with. The ones who are low on the restraint side. The ones who don’t mind getting thrown out of a theater.

In this category, falls this little gem from SRK-Juhi Chawla full of unlimited nightmarish performances – “One 2 Ka 4”.

When I say the movie was a little gem, I mean it was big steaming load of dinosaur crap.

Little Gem – One 2 Ka 4

The movie is futuristic without saying so. There’s a Mumbai police-chowki in the movie which wouldn’t look out of place in Times Square. The cops, Mumbai cops, are not lathi-wielding pot-bellied khaki-clad middle-aged frustrated men. These cops are wearing jeans and white T-shirts to show-case well-built muscles. Belt-holsters full of automatic weapons. This is the Indian cop one dreams of. Well, if you’re in to that kind of thing.

Stuff that Karan Johar’s dreams are made of

Juhi Chawla for some reason has a very bad Haryanwi accent but it goes with her shrill voice, not. (Borat, this one’s to you!) She sells Mataji’s music cassettes at fairs and moon-lights as a secret agent for the good guys (or maybe the other way round, I forget.) All roles done by Jackie Shroff are more or less forgettable (Polio commercial being the exception here). This one falls in to more forgettable category. Then there’re these annoying little child actors that Indian directors have a knack of finding. Cherry-on-the-top is of course our King Khan. Stinking up the place with disconcertingly mismatched facial expressions and dialogue delivery.

“Aha moment” of the movie was when this song started with some preamble about a secret agent meeting. Now this song is the epitome of the movie so do enjoy it here.

Juhi Chawla dropping in (literally) with those flying-cum-swimming movements. The way SRK’s hair move at the revelation that the dancer is Juhi (0.51 min in the video). Now the lyrics of this song are legendary. Do turn on English subtitles in the video for a complete experience.

Watch closely at 1.20. The surprise you see on Shahrukh’s face – that is the height of his acting abilities. That is as good as he is ever going to be.

You can see Juhi’s “professionalism” in three piece suit (with some pieces missing maybe) she’s wearing from 1.52. Those were the days of item songs in suits. Remember this pole-dance from Raveena Tondon?

Now here’s the moment where our Sheila of the Jawani fame was taking notes. Look at that long-shirt-only-look at 3.05.

Watch closely at SRK trying to wake himself up with a carbonated drink at the end of song. You will need to do that once you’re done with the movie.

This is the stuff great crap is made of. Don’t tell me I didn’t tell you.

Not a PS – I was privileged to watch this with my engineering class-mates Kaushal Bhavsar, Tushar Chavda “Gadu” and Parashar Kacha in Ahmedabad’s Drive-in Theater. It was a laugh riot. But I can’t explain that part to you. You had to be there.

PS – Blame Yogesh Patwari for putting this movie in my head with this article of his. How do these articles link up? Long story.

PPS – The movie however has one good song and some other passable songs. Except that, yes truck load of crap.

* Rhymosaurus is the new age cursed creature which isn’t going extinct any soon. S/he believes it’s the rhyming words that make the poetry. They don’t worry about trifles like consistency of thought or completeness of a sentence or beauty of expression. Rhyme to them is an end unto itself.

Here’s my poetry from them-

I just met you, I know you’re crazy,

but I won’t kill you, ‘cause I’m that lazy!


About bforbihag
Poochhate hai wo ki Ghaalib kaun hai, Koi batlao ke hum batalaaye kya?

One Response to You had to be there

  1. Yogesh says:

    Time for another blog? 🙂

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